Absurdity: the more we have, the more we fight over

Driving my sons to school, I heard the argument from the back seat: “I had this yesterday!” I quickly turned my head; Patrick and Gavin were fighting over one of the two junior rancher patched they received from the Petrified Forest during one of our trips there a month ago. I took it away, mentioned that there is another one in the house. Now, the argument became which one belongs to who…

I stopped the bickering, and asked: “How long have you both had the patches?”
Gavin said: “one month”.
I asked again: “How often have you played with them and thought about them? Why both of you want it at the same time today?” I knew they have not touched them since we came back from the trip.
Silence….
Then I said: “Toys are supposed to make you happy, but I have noticed that the more toys we have, the more chances we got to argue over what we have, why is that?” There was not answer. I decided to probe a little further.

So, I asked: “Imagine that in our house, each of us only have a pillow and a blanket to sleep with, what you think you will fight over?”
Patrick said: “Nothing”.
I said: “Then one day, you see someone have something you don’t have, you start to want it.  That is OK to want it.  But you start to fight over it, and you might even get unhappy that you don’t have it. Is that kind of silly?”
Silence…
I continued my comments while I am still driving: “It is amazing how we fight and make us miserable over things we don’t have, but totally forget about all the things we have. Maybe we will talk about this when you are older; it is absurd and sad when you see many grownups do this.” As I was saying this, my mind wondered to how much ‘fights” are going on over things when couples are divorcing, even to the detriment of the most precious thing of all, the children’s welfare. The more a couple have, the more they have to fight over. It is mostly accepted as a common sense or a common practice, but it is completely absurd and self defeating.

The 5 minutes drive was over. I stopped the car, turned my head around; my eyes were met by two pairs of eyes full of gentleness and thoughtfulness, and I could almost hear the gears turning. As they stepped out, Patrick leaned over and kissed my cheek which he has never done before.

As I am driving back home, I wondered whether I was being reasonable to expect them to understand the paradox of ambition and gratitude. I want my kids to grow up with the ambitions to create and to achieve what they want and what can be, and the gratitude to appreciate what is. However, in their black and white way of thinking, today’s little ‘lessen” might very well be interpreted as “Things are evil and I do not want things”. I am wondering if there is a better way to convey the messages to young kids that it is absolutely essential to ask for a better life as being defined by social standards and by our own imaginations; but equally important is the gratitude and grace of receiving what we are giving at this moment. But for now, I will leave it to the belief that kids can understand much more than we think they can.

I wanted so much for my kids to have the depth and capacity to see things from various perspectives, from higher perspectives. For me, that is a simple of way of living in peace and power through life’s ups and downs. However, I must first be willing to pursue the same depth and capacity in my own life. I am very lucky that I have the two most fabulous teachers of all, my kids.

Yun Li
http://www.yunexus.com
Coaching, Mediation, Speaking, Training
All Rights Reserved