How to set my children ‘free’ when I am not ‘free’

I had a panic attack over the weekend. I suddenly felt I was as light as a puff of thin air that will be blew away in an instant. There was nothing in me. I was in a dark prison! I had this feeling that I was cornered into a dark place that any hope of seeing the light was impossible.

Tears streamed down my cheek as I was trying to sort through what’s going on. The other side of the coin of nothing is everything and all things. The thoughts and feelings were so overwhelming that all I could feel was nothing!

As I was able to re-center myself, I saw myself sitting in a stingy prison telling my children, who stood outside, to run away as far as they can from this dark prison. To my horror, they did not move an inch! They were clinging to their mother’s hands through the jail bars. As I begged them, threatened them to leave, a deep sorrow wrapped around me like tentacles, I could hardly breath. Oh, the despair! Only if I could hold their hands and take them away from this place, but I could not because I was not free!

My panic attack was originated from a mother’s despair worrying over her children!

The prison that traps me in a place I do not want to be is made from my own fearful judgments, scarcity way of thinking, and unproductive beliefs. I could almost hear the cold bitter sound when the bars were staked in years back. I have worked hard over the years breaking free, but that night, I was caught and jailed again.

I have tasted what total personal freedom feels like: the ecstatic sense of self, the personal purpose and power, the expansive possibilities and faith… I want so much for my children to have such personal freedom naturally without having to constantly struggle to obtain. But that evening, I felt I can not give them the freedom they so deserve because I can not give them what I do not have and I can not show them the way because I can not break free.

I was lucky that I had the support I needed then, I was able to see my own drama in full swing, and I was able to use my years of mindfulness practice to get out of it.

However, I have given this incident a long thought afterwards. As a parent, we only want the best for our children. Ironically, we often want our children to have what we don’t have.

For example, we tell our kids they can be anyone they want to be, but deep down inside, we do not believe we can be anyone we want to be. We tell our kids to be courageous and confident, but deep down, we are fearful and worrisome. We tell our kids to think for themselves and to speak their own mind, but deep down, we think automatically and speak what others expect us to say. We tell them to go after their dream, but we are afraid to go after our own. The list can go on and on…

As parents, we know what’s good for our children; we also know exactly what good for us. We need not to hide fearfully behind the names of self sacrificing, but to face our own fears and to step up to live out our own life.

I believe that a fulfilling parenthood is the one that I can continue my own journey to be the person I want to be, to fulfill my dreams and purposes, and to nurture my children to do exactly the same.

 

Yun Li
www.yunexus.com

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